


The Brightest Star

by MauveSparkle



Series: Moons and Stars [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Betrayal, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Sirius Black, Genderbending, Genderswap, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22454638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MauveSparkle/pseuds/MauveSparkle
Summary: Sirius Walburga Black had paid for crimes that weren't her own. It was the thought of her loved ones that kept her going through her wrongful imprisonment.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Moons and Stars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615636
Comments: 13
Kudos: 45





	1. September First, 1970

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been revamped. I was writing down the timeline for it and was coming to an outline very similar to Moonshine. So, this female Sirius fic will be set in the Golden Trio Era with flashbacks to the Marauders Era and the first war. Hope you guys like this new idea!

“Behave well. If I get any complaints or letters regarding your misbehaviour, you will regret it greatly. A good marriage depends on your behaviour at school. Walburga Black knew her words fell on empty ears but she had to do the best. She did not know what to expect of her daughter, a disappointment. A girl who should have been a boy. Since the girl had started acting out, Walburga had been worried about making a suitable marriage for her, befitting the stature of a Black. Her unruliness had refused to go away. She openly rebelled against rules. Her daughter was like Alphard, her brother and another disappointment. 

*****

Sirius searched for an empty compartment. In search of one, she had to walk down till the end to the last compartment. Just as she was settling, a boy knocked on the door. He had the messiest hair with hazel eyes and round glasses. “Can I sit here?” Sirius simply nodded. 

She found out his name was James after he got into a fight with the red-haired girl and the greasy-haired boy about the best house. He seemed to think that she was alright. It felt nice, to be liked. They bonded over their shared disdain of Slytherin. She hated it because of her family. James simply loved Gryffindor too much. To him, love was best expressed by hating the enemy. (This way of love would form a big part of his future pursuits.) They also bonded over a fascination for Quidditch and insults for the greasy-haired git. Snivellus topped the list. They had been discussing their favourite teams when the compartment door slid open and a big mass of nerves fell at their feet.

It was a boy their age named Peter. Peter was on the pudgy side and squeaked more than he spoke. He had only just sat down when another boy came by, another first year. He had blond hair. He had green eyes with gold in them, unlike any she had seen before, she couldn’t help but stare at him. He had scars quite like Sirius herself. Sirius just hid hers better. His name was Remus.

Sirius knew the trouble she would get into if her mother knew that she had willingly been in the company of a blood-traitor and two half-bloods. She felt a kinship to them despite having known them for only a few hours.

“My mother was worried that I would send home a toilet seat as a prank. She was laughing as she said that. I might as well send one.” James had a sparkle in his eyes that was endearing.

At that moment, Sirius realized that she liked mischief. There was only one possible reply to James’ statement. 

“Maybe I’ll help you.”

Remus gave a shy smile as Peter started jumping up and down. She supposed they liked mischief too.

And the rest was history.


	2. Veritas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veritas is the Latin word for truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not edited. It has quite a big time jump. The next chapter will not be from canon.

Harry’s mind had gone blank with shock. The four of them stood transfixed with horror under the Invisibility Cloak. The very last rays of the setting sun were casting a bloody light over the long-shadowed grounds. Then, behind them, they heard a wild howling.

“Hagrid,” Harry muttered. Without thinking what he was doing, he made to turn back, but Sophia pulled on his shirt while both Ron and Hermione seized his arms.

Sophia looked conflicted as she said, “I know you want to help him but… .”

“We can’t,” said Ron, who was paper-white. “He’ll be in worse trouble if they know we’ve been to see him… .”

Hermione’s breathing was shallow and uneven.

“How – could – they?” she chocked. “How could they?”

“The world’s not a fair place.” Harry could hear the anger in Sophia’s voice.

“Come on,” said Ron, whose teeth seemed to be chattering.

They set off back toward the castle, walking slowly to keep themselves hidden under the cloak, a hard thing to do for four kids. The light was fading fast now. By the time they reached open ground, darkness was settling like a spell around them. 

“Scabbers, keep still,” Ron hissed, clamping his hand over his chest. The rat was wriggling madly. Ron came to a sudden halt, trying to force Scabbers deeper into his pocket. “What’s the matter with you, you stupid rat? Stay still — OUCH! He bit me!” 

“Ron, be quiet!” Hermione whispered urgently. “Fudge’ll be out here in a minute —”

“He won’t — stay — put —” Scabbers was plainly terrified. He was writhing with all his might, trying to break free of Ron’s grip. 

“It’s a rat Ron. How hard can it be to hold,” Sophia’s voice was laced with irritation.

“What’s the matter with him?”

But Harry had just seen — slinking toward them, his body low to the ground, wide yellow eyes glinting eerily in the darkness — Crookshanks. Whether he could see them or was following the sound of Scabbers’s squeaks, Harry couldn’t tell.

“Crookshanks!” Hermione moaned. “No, go away, Crookshanks! Go away!” 

But the cat was getting nearer — 

“Scabbers — NO!”

Too late — the rat had slipped between Ron’s clutching fingers, hit the ground, and scampered away. In one bound, Crookshanks sprang after him, and before Harry, Sophia or Hermione could stop him, Ron had thrown the Invisibility Cloak off himself and pelted away into the darkness. 

“Ron!” Hermione moaned.

Before him or Hermione new it, Sophia set off running after Ron with little regard for anything else. Her dramatic tendencies were on display.

Hermione and Harry looked at each other, then followed at a sprint; it was impossible to run full out under the cloak; they pulled it off and it streamed behind them like a banner as they hurtled after their best friends; they could hear their feet thundering along ahead and Ron’s shouts at Crookshanks.

“Get away from him — get away — Scabbers, come here —”

There was a loud thud. 

“Gotcha! Get off, you stinking cat —”

They could only hear Ron, not a word off Sophia.

Harry and Hermione almost fell over Ron; they skidded to a stop right in front of him. He was sprawled on the ground, but Scabbers was back in his pocket; he had both hands held tight over the quivering lump. Sophia was on her knees next to Ron.

“Ron, Sophia — come on — back under the cloak —” Hermione panted. “Dumbledore — the Minister — they’ll be coming back out in a minute —” 

But before they could cover themselves again, before they could even catch their breath, they heard the soft pounding of gigantic paws. . . . Something was bounding toward them, quiet as a shadow — an enormous, pale-eyed, jet-black dog.

The dog was staring at Sophia.

Harry reached for his wand, but too late — the dog had made an enormous leap and the front paws hit him on the chest; he keeled over backward in a whirl of hair; he felt its hot breath, saw inch-long teeth — 

But the force of its leap had carried it too far; it rolled off him. Dazed, feeling as though his ribs were broken, Harry tried to stand up; he could hear it growling as it skidded around for a new attack.  
Ron was on his feet. As the dog sprang back toward them he pushed Harry aside; the dog’s jaws fastened instead around Ron’s outstretched arm. Harry lunged forward, he seized a handful of the brute’s hair, but it was dragging Ron away as easily as though he were a rag doll —

Then, out of nowhere, something hit Harry so hard across the face he was knocked off his feet again. He heard Hermione and Sophia shriek with pain and fall too. 

Harry groped for his wand, blinking blood out of his eyes — 

“Lumos!” he whispered. 

The wandlight showed him the trunk of a thick tree; they had chased Scabbers into the shadow of the Whomping Willow and its branches were creaking as though in a high wind, whipping backward and forward to stop them going nearer. 

And there, at the base of the trunk, was the dog, dragging Ron backward into a large gap in the roots — Ron was fighting furiously, but his head and torso were slipping out of sight — 

“Ron!” Harry shouted, trying to follow, but a heavy branch whipped lethally through the air and he was forced backward again. All they could see now was one of Ron’s legs, which he had hooked around a root in an effort to stop the dog from pulling him farther underground — but a horrible crack cut the air like a gunshot; Ron’s leg had broken, and a moment later, his foot vanished from sight. 

“Harry — we’ve got to go for help —” Hermione gasped; she was bleeding too; the Willow had cut her across the shoulder. 

“No! Are you crazy? There is no time,” Sophia shrieked. She was nursing a cut across her leg.

“I agree! That thing’s big enough to eat him; we haven’t got time —” “Harry — we’re never going to get through without help —” Another branch whipped down at them, twigs clenched like knuckles. “If that dog can get in, we can,” Harry panted, darting here and there, trying to find a way through the vicious, swishing branches, but he couldn’t get an inch nearer to the tree roots without being in range of the tree’s blows. 

“Oh, help, help,” Hermione whispered frantically, dancing uncertainly on the spot, “please . . .” 

Crookshanks darted forward. He slithered between the battering branches like a snake and placed his front paws upon a knot on the trunk. 

Abruptly, as though the tree had been turned to marble, it stopped moving. Not a leaf twitched or shook. 

“Crookshanks!” Hermione whispered uncertainly. She now grasped Harry’s arm painfully hard. “How did he know — ?” 

“He’s friends with that dog,” said Harry grimly. “I’ve seen them together. Come on — and keep your wand out —” 

Sophia steadied herself by gripping onto one of Harry’s shoulders. He heard her whisper menacingly, “Don’t hesitate to attack the dog, even if it’s cute. Wait till I get my hands on that stupid cat of yours.” Harry felt bad for Crookshanks.

They covered the distance to the trunk in seconds, but before they had reached the gap in the roots, Crookshanks had slid into it with a flick of his bottlebrush tail. Sophia stepped ahead and went through the gap first. Harry went next; he crawled forward, headfirst, and slid down an earthy slope to the bottom of a very low tunnel. Crookshanks was a little way along, his eyes flashing in the light from Harry’s wand. Seconds later, Hermione slithered down beside him. 

“Where’s Ron?” she whispered in a terrified voice. “” “This way,” said Harry, setting off, bent-backed, after Crookshanks. “Where does this tunnel come out?” Sophia asked breathlessly from behind him. 

“I don’t know. . . . It’s marked on the Marauder’s Map but Fred and George said no one’s ever gotten into it. . . . It goes off the edge of the map, but it looked like it was heading for Hogsmeade. . . .”

They moved as fast as they could, bent almost double; ahead of them, Crookshanks’s tail bobbed in and out of view. On and on went the passage; it felt at least as long as the one to Honeydukes. . . . All Harry could think of was Ron and what the enormous dog might be doing to him. . . . He was drawing breath in sharp, painful gasps, running at a crouch. . . . 

Sophia had moved fast and was much further ahead than the other two. And then the tunnel began to rise; moments later it twisted, and Crookshanks had gone with Sophia following suit. Instead, Harry could see a patch of dim light through a small opening. 

He and Hermione paused, gasping for breath, edging forward. All three raised their wands to see what lay beyond. 

It was a room, a very disordered, dusty room. Paper was peeling from the walls; there were stains all over the floor; every piece of furniture was broken as though somebody had smashed it. The windows were all boarded up. 

Harry glanced at Hermione, who looked very frightened but nodded. 

Harry pulled himself out of the hole, staring around. The room was deserted, but a door to their right stood open, leading to a shadowy hallway. Hermione suddenly grabbed Harry’s arm again. Her wide eyes were traveling around the boarded windows. 

“Harry,” she whispered, “I think we’re in the Shrieking Shack.” Harry looked around. Sophia was nowhere to be seen.

His eyes fell on a wooden chair near them. Large chunks had been torn out of it; one of the legs had been ripped off entirely.

“Ghosts didn’t do that,” he said slowly. 

At that moment, there was a creak overhead. Something had moved upstairs. Both of them looked up at the ceiling. Hermione’s grip on Harry’s arm was so tight he was losing feeling in his fingers. He raised his eyebrows at her; she nodded again and let go. 

Quietly as they could, they crept out into the hall and up the crumbling staircase. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust except the floor, where a wide shiny stripe had been made by something being dragged upstairs. They reached the dark landing. 

“Nox,” they whispered together, and the lights at the end of their wands went out. 

Only one door was open. As they crept toward it, they heard movement from behind it; a low moan, and then a deep, loud purring. They exchanged a last look, a last nod. Wand held tightly before him, Harry kicked the door wide open. On a magnificent four-poster bed with dusty hangings lay Crookshanks, purring loudly at the sight of them. 

On the floor beside him, clutching his leg, which stuck out at a strange angle, was Ron. Sophia was kneeling next to him with a dazed look on her face. She looked like she had seen a ghost.  
Harry and Hermione dashed across to them. 

“Ron — are you okay?” 

“Where’s the dog?”

“Not a dog,” Ron moaned. His teeth were gritted with pain. 

“She was just there — and — I don’t know how it was possible,” Sophia’s voice held fear. Harry had never seen her become a blubbering mess in the long time he had known her.

“Harry, it’s a trap —” “What —” “She’s the dog . . . she’s an Animagus. . . .” 

Ron was staring over Harry’s shoulder. Harry wheeled around.

With a snap, the woman in the shadows closed the door behind them. A mass of filthy, matted hair hung to her elbows. If eyes hadn’t been shining out of the deep, dark sockets, she might have been a corpse. The waxy skin was stretched so tightly over the bones of her face, it looked like a skull. Her yellow teeth were bared in a grin. It was Sirius Black.

“Expelliarmus!” she croaked, pointing Ron’s wand at them. Sophia’s, Harry’s and Hermione’s wands shot out of their hands, high in the air, and Black caught them. Sophia turned white as Black looked at her with an undiscernible expression. They had the same hair and facial features. 

Then she took a step closer. Her eyes to become fixed on Harry. “I thought you’d come and help your friend,” she said hoarsely. Her voice sounded as though she had long since lost the habit of using it.  
“Your father would have done the same for me. Brave of you, not to run for a teacher. I’m grateful . . . it will make everything much easier. . . .”

The taunt about his father rang in Harry’s ears as though Black had bellowed it. A boiling hate erupted in Harry’s chest, leaving no place for fear. For the first time in his life, he wanted his wand back in his hand, not to defend himself, but to attack . . . to kill. 

Without knowing what he was doing, he started forward, but there was a sudden movement on either side of him and three pairs of hands grabbed him and held him back. . . . 

“No, Harry!” Hermione gasped in a petrified whisper; Ron, however, spoke to Black. “If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!” he said fiercely, though the effort of standing upright was draining him of still more color, and he swayed slightly as he spoke.

Something flickered in Black’s shadowed eyes. “Lie down,” he said quietly to Ron. “You will damage that leg even more.” 

Sophia was mute. Harry could see her hands trembling. He saw Black’s gaze shift towards Sophia.

“Did you hear me?” Ron said weakly, though he was clinging painfully to Harry to stay upright and shield Sophia at the same time. 

“You’ll have to kill all four of us!”

“There’ll be only one murder here tonight,” said Black, and her grin widened. 

“Why’s that?” Harry spat, trying to wrench himself free of his friends. “Didn’t care last time, did you? Didn’t mind slaughtering all those Muggles to get at Pettigrew. . . . What’s the matter, gone soft in Azkaban?”

Sophia had let go of him.

“Harry!” Hermione whimpered. “Be quiet!” 

“SHE KILLED MY MUM AND DAD!” Harry roared, and with a huge effort he broke free of Hermione’s and Ron’s restraint and lunged forward —

He had forgotten about magic — he had forgotten that he was short and skinny and thirteen, whereas Black was a tall, full-grown woman — all Harry knew was that he wanted to hurt Black as badly as he could and that he didn’t care how much he got hurt in return —

Perhaps it was the shock of Harry doing something so stupid, but Black didn’t raise the wands in time — one of Harry’s hands fastened over her wasted wrist, forcing the wand tips away; the knuckles of Harry’s other hand collided with the side of Black’s head and they fell, backward, into the wall — 

Hermione was screaming; Ron was yelling; Sophia was howling; there was a blinding flash as the wands in Black’s hand sent a jet of sparks into the air that missed Harry’s face by inches; Harry felt the shrunken arm under his fingers twisting madly, but he clung on, his other hand punching every part of Black it could find. But Black’s free hand had found Harry’s throat — 

“No,” she hissed, “I’ve waited too long —”

The fingers tightened, Harry choked, his glasses askew. 

Then he saw Hermione’s foot swing out of nowhere. 

Black let go of Harry with a grunt of pain; Ron had thrown himself on Black’s wand hand while Sophia tried to free Harry of her mother’s grip and Harry heard a faint clatter —

He fought free of the tangle of bodies and saw his own wand rolling across the floor; he threw himself toward it but — 

“Argh!”

Crookshanks had joined the fray; both sets of front claws had sunk themselves deep into Harry’s arm; Harry threw him off, but Crookshanks now darted toward Harry’s wand — 

“NO YOU DON’T!” roared Harry, and he aimed a kick at Crookshanks that made the cat leap aside, spitting; Harry snatched up his wand and turned — 

“Get out of the way!” he shouted at Ron, Sophia and Hermione. They didn’t need telling twice. Hermione, gasping for breath, her lip bleeding, scrambled aside, snatching up theirs wands. Ron crawled to the four-poster and collapsed onto it, panting, his white face now tinged with green, both hands clutching his broken leg. Sophia took her wand from Hermione to point it at Black while she stood next to the bed. Her grip was loose as her hands continued to tremble. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. 

Black was sprawled at the bottom of the wall. Her thin chest rose and fell rapidly as she watched Harry walking slowly nearer, his wand pointing straight at Black’s heart. Black’s eyes flickered between Harry and Sophia.

“Going to kill me, Harry?” she whispered, forcing herself to look at him. Harry stopped right above her, his wand still pointing at Black’s chest, looking down at her.

A livid bruise was rising around Black’s left eye and her nose was bleeding. “You killed my parents,” said Harry, his voice shaking slightly, but his wand hand quite steady. 

Black stared up at him out of those sunken eyes. “I don’t deny it,” she said very quietly. “But if you knew the whole story.” 

“The whole story?” Harry repeated, a furious pounding in his ears. “You sold them to Voldemort. That’s all I need to know.” 

“You’ve got to listen to me,” Black said, and there was a note of urgency in her voice now. “You’ll regret it if you don’t. . . . Sophia, I’m your mother. I would never harm you or your friends. I gave birth to you. I love you. You don’t understand. . . .” 

“I understand a lot better than you think,” said Harry, and his voice shook more than ever. He ignored the ache he heard in her words.

Sophia seemed to using the wall to support herself as she said in a broken voice, “You betrayed your friends and killed innocents. You don’t love me. You can’t love anyone.” She looked Black in the eyes the first time that night. 

“You never heard her, did you? My mum . . . trying to stop Voldemort killing me . . . and you did that . . . you did it. . . .” Harry’s voice was pulsating.

Before either of them could say another word, something ginger streaked past Harry; Crookshanks leapt onto Black’s chest and settled himself there, right over Black’s heart.

Black blinked and looked down at the cat. “Get off,” she murmured, trying to push Crookshanks off him. But Crookshanks sank his claws into Black’s robes and wouldn’t shift. He turned his ugly, squashed face to Harry and looked up at him with those great yellow eyes. 

To his right, Hermione gave a dry sob. Harry stared down at Black and Crookshanks, his grip tightening on the wand. 

So what if he had to kill the cat too? It was in league with Black. . . . If it was prepared to die, trying to protect Black, that wasn’t Harry’s business. . . . If Black wanted to save it, that only proved she cared more for Crookshanks than for Harry’s parents. . . . Harry raised the wand. Now was the moment to do it. Now was the moment to avenge his mother and father. He was going to kill Black. He had to kill Black. This was his chance. . . . 

The seconds lengthened. And still Harry stood frozen there, wand poised, Black staring up at him, Crookshanks on his chest. Ron’s ragged breathing came from near the bed; Hermione was quite silent. Sophia on the verge of fainting. And then came a new sound —

Muffled footsteps were echoing up through the floor — someone was moving downstairs. 

“WE’RE UP HERE!” Hermione screamed suddenly. “WE’RE UP HERE — SIRIUS BLACK — QUICK!” 

Black made a startled movement that almost dislodged Crookshanks; Harry gripped his wand convulsively — Do it now! said a voice in his head — but the footsteps were thundering up the stairs and Harry still hadn’t done it.

The door of the room burst open in a shower of red sparks and Harry wheeled around as Professor Lupin came hurtling into the room, his face bloodless, his wand raised and ready. 

His eyes flickered over Ron, lying on the floor, over Hermione, cowering next to the door, to Harry, standing there with his wand covering Black, to his daughter, looking ghostly pale and then to Black herself, crumpled and bleeding at Harry’s feet. 

“Expelliarmus!” Lupin shouted. 

Harry’s wand flew once more out of his hand; so did the two Hermione was holding. Lupin caught them all deftly, then moved into the room, staring at Black, who still had Crookshanks lying protectively across her chest.

Harry stood there, feeling suddenly empty. He hadn’t done it. His nerve had failed him. Black was going to be handed back to the dementors.

“Oh thank god you’re here dad,” said Sophia with relief. She started to move towards him, desperately in need of comfort when he raised his hand to tell her to stay where she was.

Then Lupin spoke, in a very tense voice. “Where is he, Sirius?” Harry looked quickly at Lupin. He didn’t understand what Lupin meant. Who was Lupin talking about? He turned to look at Black again. Black’s face was quite expressionless. The two stared at each other in a way Harry did not understand until it finally hit him. They had been together, Sophia a mark of their relationship. For a few seconds, Black didn’t move at all as she stared at Lupin.

Then, very slowly, she raised his empty hand and pointed straight at Ron. Mystified, Harry glanced around at Ron, who looked bewildered. 

“But then . . . ,” Lupin muttered, staring at Black so intently it seemed he was trying to read his mind, “. . . why hasn’t he shown himself before now? Unless” — Lupin’s eyes suddenly widened, as though he was seeing something beyond Black, something none of the rest could see, “— unless he was the one . . . unless you switched . . . without telling me?” 

Very slowly, her sunken gaze never leaving Lupin’s face, Black nodded.

“Professor,” Harry interrupted loudly, “what’s going on — ?” 

But he never finished the question, because what he saw made his voice die in his throat.

Lupin was lowering his wand, gazing fixedly at Black. 

“Dad, what are you doing? She’s a murderer. She betrayed us, her friends and everyone. She wants to kill Harry,” Sophia screamed hysterically.

Lupin turned to look at his daughter before he looked back at Black. He ignored Sophia as if he were stuck in a trance.

The Professor walked to Black’s side, seized her hand, pulled her to her feet so that Crookshanks fell to the floor, and embraced Black. 

Harry felt as though the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. Sophia looked as if she was ready to puke while Ron was confused.

“I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Hermione screamed. 

Lupin let go of Black and turned to her. 

She had raised herself off the floor and was pointing at Lupin, wild-eyed. “You — you —” “Hermione —” “ — you and him!” 

“Hermione, calm down —”

“I didn’t tell anyone!” Hermione shrieked. 

“I’ve been covering up for you —”

“Hermione, listen to me, please!” Lupin shouted. 

“I can explain —” Harry could feel himself shaking, not with fear, but with a fresh wave of fury. 

“Hermione, don’t say it, please,” asked Sophia. 

“I trusted you,” he shouted at Lupin, his voice wavering out of control, “and all the time you’ve been helping her!”

“You’re wrong,” said Lupin. “I haven’t been helping Sirius, but I am now — Let me explain. . . .” 

“NO!” Hermione screamed. “Harry, don’t trust him, he’s been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too — he’s a werewolf !” 

Harry turned to look at Sophia. She was fidgeting with her hands, a nervous habit of hers. She was staring at the floor pointedly, as if she could just disappear.

There was a ringing silence. Everyone’s eyes were now on Lupin, who looked remarkably calm, though rather pale. 

“Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,” he said. “Only one out of three, I’m afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don’t want Harry dead. . . .” An odd shiver passed over his face. “But I won’t deny that I am a werewolf.” 

Ron made a valiant effort to get up again but fell back with a whimper of pain. Lupin made toward him, looking concerned, but Ron gasped, “Get away from me, werewolf !” 

Lupin stopped dead. 

Sophia was glaring at Ron, looking ready to punch him. A look from her father stopped any action from her.

Then, with an obvious effort, he turned to Hermione and said, “How long have you known?” 

“Ages,” Hermione whispered. “Since I did Professor Snape’s essay. . . .” “He’ll be delighted,” said Lupin coolly. 

“He assigned that essay hoping someone would realize what my symptoms meant. . . . Did you check the lunar chart and realize that I was always ill at the full moon? Or did you realize that the boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?” 

“Both,” Hermione said quietly. Lupin forced a laugh. “You’re the cleverest witch of your age I’ve ever met, Hermione.” “I’m not,” Hermione whispered. “If I’d been a bit cleverer, I’d have told everyone what you are! I wouldn’t have listened to Sophia when she asked me to keep it a secret.” 

“But they already know,” said Lupin. “At least, the staff do. As for Sophia, she often forgets that I’m the parent and not her. ” 

“Dumbledore hired you when he knew you were a werewolf?” Ron gasped. “Is he mad? Especially you?” 

“What does that mean? Do you mean to say I can’t be trusted because of who I’m related to? I thought you were over this Ron. I thought we were friends,” said Sophia, looking angrier than ever. As she raged on, Harry noticed the soft look Black was giving her.

Ron was making a big effort to not look at Sophia.

“Some of the staff thought so,” said Lupin. “He had to work very hard to convince certain teachers that I’m trustworthy because of my affliction and past relationship with—” 

“AND HE WAS WRONG!” Harry yelled. “YOU’VE BEEN HELPING HER ALL THE TIME!” He was pointing at Black, who suddenly crossed to the four-poster bed and sank onto it, her face hidden in one shaking hand. 

“You told me to stay safe this year and to stay away from her if I saw her. You told me that people would accuse me of helping her. WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HELPING HER?” Hearing the anger in her voice, Lupin made to move towards her but the look in her eyes stopped him.

Crookshanks leapt up beside Black and stepped onto her lap, purring. Ron edged away from both of them, dragging his leg. Sophia had moved as far away from her mother as possible.

“I have not been helping Sirius,” said Lupin. “If you’ll give me a chance, I’ll explain. Look —” 

He separated Harry’s, Ron’s, Sophia’s and Hermione’s wands and threw each back to its owner; Harry caught his, stunned. 

“There,” said Lupin, sticking his own wand back into his belt. “You’re armed, we’re not. Now will you listen? Little star, I need you to hear me out. I would never lie to you about something so important.”  
Harry didn’t know what to think. Was it a trick? It was the way Lupin addressed his daughter, Harry’s best friend since their first year, which forced him to listen. Sophia had nothing to do with her mother. He always got the impression that she hated her more than he did. It was hard to believe that the man who had raised her would be secretly helping Black. 

Harry’s mid went back to the conversation he had had with Lupin after finding about about his godparents. Lupin had seemed so sincere, so caring and loving towards Harry. 

“If you haven’t been helping her,” he said, with a furious glance at Black, “how did you know she was here?” 

“The map,” said Lupin. “The Marauder’s Map. I was in my office examining it —”

“You know how to work it?” Harry said suspiciously. 

“Of course I know how to work it,” said Lupin, waving his hand impatiently. “I helped write it. I’m Moony — that was my friends’ nickname for me at school.” 

“You wrote — ?” 

“The important thing is, I was watching it carefully this evening, because I had an idea that you, Ron, Sophia and Hermione might try and sneak out of the castle to visit Hagrid before his hippogriff was executed. And I was right, wasn’t I?” 

He had started to pace up and down, looking at them. Little patches of dust rose at his feet. “You might have been wearing your father’s old cloak, Harry —” 

“How d’you know about the cloak?”

“The number of times I saw James disappearing under it. . . ,” said Lupin, waving an impatient hand again. “The point is, even if you’re wearing an Invisibility Cloak, you still show up on the Marauder’s Map. I watched you cross the grounds and enter Hagrid’s hut. Twenty minutes later, you left Hagrid, and set off back toward the castle. But you were now accompanied by somebody else.”

“What?” said Harry. “No, we weren’t!” 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Lupin, still pacing, and ignoring Harry’s interruption. “I thought the map must be malfunctioning. How could he be with you?” 

“No one was with us!” said Harry.

“And then I saw another dot, moving fast toward you, labelled Sirius Black. . . . I saw him collide with you; I watched as he pulled two of you into the Whomping Willow —” 

“One of us!” Ron said angrily. 

“No, Ron,” said Lupin. “Two of you.” 

He had stopped his pacing, his eyes moving over Ron. “Do you think I could have a look at the rat?” he said evenly. 

“What?” said Ron. “What’s Scabbers got to do with it?” 

“Everything,” said Lupin. “Could I see him, please?” 

Ron hesitated, then put a hand inside his robes. Scabbers emerged, thrashing desperately; Ron had to seize his long bald tail to stop him escaping. Crookshanks stood up on Black’s leg and made a soft hissing noise.

Lupin moved closer to Ron. 

He seemed to be holding his breath as he gazed intently at Scabbers. “What?” Ron said again, holding Scabbers close to him, looking scared. “What’s my rat got to do with anything?”

“That’s not a rat,” croaked Sirius Black suddenly. 

“What d’you mean — of course he’s a rat —”

“No, he’s not,” said Lupin quietly. 

“He’s a wizard.” 

“An Animagus,” said Black, “by the name of Peter Pettigrew.”


	3. Saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for and/or loves while simultaneously having positive emotions towards the future.

Remus Lupin had been 15 years old when he realized that he was in love with his best friend. He had never been actively aware of his crush on her. It was just one moment in fifth year when it hit him. 

The woman that stood in front of him was so different from the girl he had met back when he was eleven. So much had happened since then. He had spent twelve years trying to hate her for what he thought she had done and trying to stop loving her the way he did. He knew he had not succeeded in that notion because of all that he felt, seeing her that fateful night in the shrieking shack. Seeing her at the door to the house they had bought together to grow as a family brought back all of those feelings. 

"I know I'm beautiful Moony but I cannot stand outside while you continue to stare at me. Someone might see. Let me come in, then you can stare at me," she said with a shaking voice and a grin on her face. Without a word, he moved aside to let her in and closed the door.

"The house has changed quite a bit," she said as she looked around. Her lips trembled and he knew she was barely keeping herself together. The house was filled with reminders of the times they had lived there together and marks of the many moments that had occurred when he had raised their daughter on his own. 

"Do you want to eat first or take a bath?" He did not know how he managed to say those words. She looked at him with glassy grey eyes before looking towards the kitchen. 

He made his way to the food he had already prepared as she made to sit at the table. 

As he heated the food, he saw her looking around the house, anywhere but where he stood. 

He set the food in front of her and sat down on the opposite chair. She was staring at her hands, fidgeting with them to distract herself. He had always found that action of hers adorable. 

Pushing the food towards her, Remus said with the softest voice possible, "Eat, you'll feel better."

He waited as she ate, stealing glances at her. She had barely any flesh on her bones. Her hair were dry and matted, in complete contrast to how she had kept them in her younger years. 

But those eyes, they were the same ones that he had loved to look into. Her eyes had always been his favourite physical feature. He had loved the stormy look they would have when she was angry or the way they would crinkle when she laughed. He had described them in great detail to his parents when they had asked about her. His mother had always said that that had been the moment she had known that her son was in love.

He felt guilty for believing that she had betrayed her loved ones. How could he have thought that she had hidden such big secrets from him when he had known her in ways she did not know herself?

He had known what her fears were and what she wanted in life. He had known much she loved to cuddle, how she craved physical contact when she projected a completely different image to others. He had known how she loved the scent of freesias. He had known how to help her after her nightmares. He had known how much she loved their daughter. He had known how much James meant to her, how much the family she had chosen on her own meant to her. He had known what she liked when she was beneath him and only the two of the, had mattered. He had known how she had loved it when he traced her spine with his finger as they laid in bed, naked as the day they were born. He had known how to make her moan and feel bliss unlike any other. Yet, he had thought the worst of her. 

He thought of all that he had known about her as she ate. He did not speak a word when he gave her clothes to wear. He just stared as she left to take bath trying to decide where their love had lost its way. 

*****

Sirius Black did not know the moment she fell in love with her best friend. Feelings for him had built up in her heart. It had been so incredibly hard and they had both been resistant. She because of the fear of losing his friendship when it was the friendship she had with the three boys that helped her leave behind the darkness of her family and him because of his furry little problem.

As she walked up the stairs of the house they had bought to live in as a family, Sirius was faced with so many reminders of all that she had missed. The pictures that lined the stair wall had changed. There was very little of her, one from sixth year and the other of her with baby Sophia just after she had been born.

She could not bear to look at those pictures for long. They were a reminder of happier times. The rest of the wall was Sophia growing through the years. There was a picture of his mother. Sirius’ daughter had her father’s eyes, who in turn had his mother’s eyes. Throughout her imprisonment, whenever she had felt like she was about to lose her sanity, Sirius would remember those eyes. The two people she loved the most in the world had those eyes. She had kept going for him and their daughter, for her godson and because she knew she was innocent.

Their room was still the same. She still remembered how she had insisted on putting together the bed herself without magic. It had ended with her being extremely frustrated with all the confusing pieces and bursting into tears. Remus had been visiting his father and had come home to his pregnant girlfriend crying on the sofa. She remembered feeling safe in his arms as he consoled her, never once telling her that he had ‘told her so’.

Not wanting to dwell on old memories, Sirius rushed to the bathroom. She ignored all that came to her mind looking around another familiar place. She focused on washing herself. She used up an entire bottle of soap rubbing off the years of filth. For so many years a bath had meant water thrown at her through the bars of her prison. As the layers of dirt gave way to her skin, Sirius felt some relief. She tried to remove the knots from her hair. Not having much energy left in her, she went for the scissors and cut it to reach her shoulders. For the first time in many years, Sirius felt somewhat clean.

As she waked out into the hallway, her eyes fell on the door to the other room. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was the same purple and grey she had painted many years ago. Back then she had been so excited, determined to be a better mother than her own. She still remembered the love she had felt for her daughter, the love that was such a deep part of her link to sanity.

_“She has your eyes and your nose;” remarked Sirius. She rested her head on his shoulders as he cradled their daughter. “I think she looks like you. Her hair look like yours. I do hope she has your smile,” he said while looking at their daughter with glassy eyes. He shifted to sit more comfortably on the bed and put his arm around her. They were both enamoured by little Sophie Hope. Their moment of bliss was only broken when their best friend walked through the door and exclaimed, “Now where is my goddaughter!”_

Her thoughts were broken when she heard a crash.

*****

He had sat at the table staring into nothing for some time. He could not bring himself to move. When Remus finally got up to clear the table, his shaking hands got the better of him and everything fell with a crash. So he brought a mop to clean up but it was futile. His eyes were burning up and he was still shaking. All those years he had spent being strong for his daughter had resulted in a lot of buried feelings and they all came rushing to him. He heard her walk down the stairs. He could not help but ask one question and so he did.

“Did you really thing I was the traitor?”

He was met with silence.

So he turned on his heel and sat down. He looked towards her. Her hands had the bannister in a death grip.

“I-I was-wasn’t sure.”

“You weren’t sure. We had a kid together, have a kid together. I thought we loved each other. I certainly loved you. Yet, you weren’t sure. Was it because of what I am? If that’s it then what about all those times you and James and-and _Peter_ spent convincing me that I was good. What were you thinking when you went after him? Even if you did kill him and prove he was the traitor, they would have put you in Azkaban. Did you not stop and think about Sophie, your daughter, or Harry, your godson, both who needed you more than ever? God, I don’t want to be angry. You’ve been through so much but I-I lov-loved you an-and I still do and…..” He knew he was crying.

*****

It was like second nature, hugging Remus. It felt the same as it used to. He still smelled like chocolate and parchment.

They both sat on the floor holding each other until he pulled away. His hands were at her elbows as he looked into her eyes. His eyes were the colour of the sea, this mix between blue and green that was unique. He moved one of his hands up her arm, tracing the scars his fingers came across.

“I’m sorry.” She had to say it.

“I’m sorry for thinking you were guilty.” He sounded so sincere.

“We both made some mistakes and hurt each other. We have issues that are going to take some time to go away. I know that we won’t be able to go back to the relationship we had before. However, I still love you.” Sirius was surprised that her voice was steady.

He gave a small laugh and took both her hands in his and kissed them. His grip on her hands was strong, like he wasn’t going to let her go.

“Look at you, being so smart.” He had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes. With a smile of her own, she batted his hands away and pretended to be offended. “I was always smart Moony and you know it.”

“You were smart but your impulsive nature always took precedence. That was what made you less smart.”

“Less smart my ass. You were going to say stupid and I will have you know that being impulsive has its advantages. I’ll show you.” And so she kissed him.

*****

His hands moved to her back. He could feel hers on his neck. He pulled her as close as he could to deepen the kiss. Her lips were warm and soft. They parted slightly, allowing his tongue to slip inside. He could feel the soft tickle of her breath beneath his nose. Warmth blossomed in his chest.

Slowly, he bit her lower lip and hearing a moan from her ignited something in him. He broke apart from her lips to move his across her jaw. Soft feathery kisses interspaced with words asking her if she was sure.

Pulling back she looked into his eyes and said, “If you stop now Moony, I swear I may have to kill you.” She had that teasing grin of hers, one that had been the cause of many dreams.

But he had to ask, “It’s not too soon?”

“I want this. I need it to feel good and you used to make me feel so good and I love you.” She sounded earnest.

His control was already breaking when she kissed him hard. They did not stop kissing as they made their way to their old room. Clothes went flying and landed all around the house. It had been so long for him. He had tried to move on but it had never worked out because he had been stuck in many ways. Stupidly, he wondered if he had forgotten it all but when he saw her sprawled on the bed, he knew that wasn’t the case.

They both lost themselves in each other as they moved between the sheets.

He felt at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! 
> 
> This is unedited.


	4. amor vincit omnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'amor vincit omnia' is Latin for love conquers all.

Remus had always been an early bird. He woke up as the sun rose. Looking over, Sirius was still asleep. His arm was around his waist as she rested her head on his chest. It was probably the most she had slept in many years. She looked less tired. The light filtering through the curtains made her skin sparkle. More than anything, he wanted to go back to sleep with her in his arms but he knew what the right thing to do was. They had been caught up in emotions and the realization that despite all that had happened, they both had deep feelings for each other. He had been weak and desperate for some form of affection. They had issues to sort out and a daughter to put before everything.

Sophia’s third year ended that day and she would make the journey home. Remus planned to have his father pick her up. It wouldn’t be wise to show up at the platform after the complaint letters against him due to his lycantrophy. His affliction had always compromised his parenting or the belief of others in his parenting.

He had fought so hard when they had tried to take her away. The officials had looked at him in disgust, questioning his abilities as a father due to his monthly transformations. He had lost her for three months, the worst of his life, a time when he had had no anchor. The Malfoys were the closest relatives deemed respectable guardians. His father was not even considered because the Malfoys had more money. He had been ready to give up when help came in the form of Albus Dumbledore. That man had vouched for Remus and his influence had given Remus a good chance to get Sophia back. He owed a lot to Dumbledore. He was the reason why Remus even got to go to Hogwarts, a place where he met some of the most important people of his life. He had also given Remus a job so that he could be there for his daughter during a tough year. 

After a quick shower, he made his way down the stairs. His attention drifted towards the pictures on the wall. The memory of him removing most of her pictures flashed through his head. It had been a few months after the night everything changed. In an effort to heal, he had gone through the entire house and packed up all her stuff. He had not been able to get rid of it. After all, he had still loved her. Instead of getting rid of her stuff, he had stored it in the attic. He had not touched her belongings in more than a decade. He supposed that she might need some of them. So, he made his way back up the stairs to the attic.

He brought all the boxes to the living room. He had begun to go through the box with the pictures when he heard her walk down the stairs. Looking up, he saw that she was wearing his clothes. Remus averted his eyes to distract himself from thoughts of last night. 

“I thought you would have thrown it all away,” she said as Sirius sat down beside him, their legs and arms touching. A confused expression passed through her face when he moved away. Before she could question him, he spoke up, “I couldn’t bring myself to. Do you want food?”

Not waiting for her reply, Remus moved to the kitchen. He did not need to look back to know that she had followed him.

“Remus, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. Coffee or Tea?”

“Tea with-”

“-a splash of milk and two teaspoons sugar.”

“You remember.” A statement, not a question. 

“Hard to forget. I was thinking, since it’s almost lunch time, I’ll make pasta. Have some fruit till it gets ready. ”

He handed her the tea, looking anywhere but at her.

“Sophia, when is she going to be here.”

“In a few hours. My father is picking her up.”

“How’s Lyall?”

“Good, retired and knows about your innocence. Told him in a letter.”

“We didn’t talk about what all happened after I was-”

“-sent to Azkaban?”

“Yes.”

“A lot.”

“What?”

“A lot happened. It was tough on everyone.”

Many silent minutes passed as Remus worked around the kitchen as Sirius leaned on the counter, sipping on her tea. He knew her well enough to know that she was frustrated.

Without another word, she finished her tea and went upstairs. It was then Remus sat down with his head in his hands, wondering what he was going to do. He got back to working on the food keeping his mind empty of all thoughts. He had become so immersed in cooking, Remus did not realise that Sirius had come back down and was sitting on the couch, looking through her stuff.

She was wearing an old dress she must have found among the old clothes. Imprisonment had left her too thin. He had been able to count her bones last night through her skin. Her hair was stringy and her eyes still had bags under them. Her eyes had a glassy look to them, so different from the way they used to sparkle. 

“You’re staring at me. It’s flattering but I can’t help but wonder why you’re looking at me like that after basically ignoring me ever since I woke up, especially after what happened last night.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you.” Without waiting for a response, Remus turned his attention elsewhere.

They ate the food in silence.

After, she continued to go through her old belongings, occasionally getting lost in her thoughts. He pretended not to notice how she actively avoided objects that reminded her of Peter. He pretended not to notice the glassy look in her eyes when she looked at pictures of their daughter. She asked many questions about her: her hobbies, stories about her growing up and what she was like.

He pretended not to notice that she never asked about what Sophia knew of her mother. He knew that they had interacted briefly before he had interrupted because of his furry little problem. He tried not to think of that. It upset him that his daughter had had to see him like that.

They had reached the album from Sophia’s first year of life. It was the only one with Sirius. After everything had fallen apart, Remus had kept only a few pictures of her around the house. The rest had been banished to that particular album. Sophia had been curious once. He remembered his seven year old daughter crying over Sirius. He decided to keep that memory to himself. Sophia had never cried over her mother after that day. Remus had known it wasn’t right but he had never been able to bring up the courage to talk about it. He remembered all the times Sophia had claimed to hate her mother because of how everyone treated her. Her time at school hadn’t always been good. She would complain about how people expected her to be as crazy as her mother because of how similar they looked.

He was brought out of his thoughts by Sirius. The words she spoke caught him off-guard.

“It was all my fault.” She sounded so broken.

He couldn’t help but hug her.

“It was not your fault. It was that rat’s fault.” 

She pulled away to look into his eyes, “ It was my fault. I don’t know why I thought you could betray us.”

“I made many mistakes. I hid things from you.” He had run away for a few weeks after finding out she was pregnant. It had been one of his worst moments. He had never talked about the missions he had gone on.

“You’re trying to make me feel better. You made mistakes but still.”

“I believed that you were capable of all that they accused you of.”

He closed his eyes. It was getting hard to look into her eyes. He felt her move

He could feel her hands on his face, cradling his cheeks, tracing the scars on his face with her fingers. He had always loved it when she did that. He still loved it. 

“Did you hate me?” Her voice was soft.

Remus decided to be truthful,“I wanted to. It would have made the pain easier to deal with. I tried. I failed. ”

“I wish I had made different choices that night. I should have thought of Sophia and Harry and you. But, the losing James and Lily made me angry. In those moments, I felt as if I had to hunt the rat down.”

He opened his eyes to see tears in hers. Wiping them away with his hands, he consoled her, “James meant so much to you. He was your brother in all the ways that matter. Lily was your friend. They were family. The Potters took you in and cared for you. To feel anger and make stupid decisions when you lose someone isn’t inexcusable.”

Giving her a sad smile, he continued, “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. It's hard to see you here. Well, not hard but weird. It's been so long. I just didn’t know what to say. My short responses weren’t because I was angry or anything like that. It's just a lot to take in.”

Her hands moved to his hair. Ruffling it, she said, “I was worried that you were upset. It would be understandable. I can’t imagine what it must have been like all these years.”

“I told you, my father was a big help. We did good for what we had. I wasn’t allowed to meet Harry though. He didn’t even know that I was his godfather. There were safety concerns but things got better when Sophia became friends with him. She would tell me stories about him and their other friends. They’ve done a lot of stuff over three years. All four seem to have a knack for trouble. I have been on the verge of many panic attacks. When I met him, I couldn’t help but flash back to James. He looks exactly like him but his eyes, they’re Lily’s. I almost expected him to be like his father but his personality has more of Lily.”

“I can’t wait to know both of them better.”

She rested her head against his chest and moved her arms around his waist. Sitting there in each other’s arms, Remus forgot everything else. He focussed on the feeling of her in his arms. He thought of the previous night. He thought of the many nights from many many years ago. He thought of the moment he realised he was in love with her. He thought of the first time they kissed. He thought of the many times over the years he had felt guilty about loving her despite all that she had done. He thought of those hard times when he had to reconcile his memories of her with all the bad he thought she had done. He thought of the relief he had felt when he had realised that she was innocent. He felt at peace with Sirius. She had given him all that he had never imagined he could have and so much more. 

“We’re going to be alright. We’ve grown up and gone through so much, both together and alone. I know that we aren’t the same people we used to be and its going to be hard to get beck to where we were but I want to be happy and you a make me happier than I ever thought I could be.”

“We don’t have to get back to where we were. We can start fresh and be stronger this time around. We're going to have to talk many more things through but I want to be happy too.”

“You’re stuck with me Lupin.”

Her certainty made his heart race.

“I love you.” The words felt so easy to say, like second-nature.

She moved to face him. Her face had a grin on it. It made his heart beat faster. 

“I love you more.” 

“Not possible, ” he said while smiling against her mouth.

Remus Lupin had been relatively happy for the past twelve-thirteen years. His daughter was the light of his life. Yet, he had always felt a gaping hole. When Sirius placed a chaste kiss on his lips, he felt complete.

As the doorbell rang, Sirius’ smile was replaced by nervousness. Sophia had arrived.


End file.
